I think being back in London

Will greatly improve the diversity of my postings here. The amount of things that you observe in this big hunking city is truly amazing... Here's to brining the comedy back to this blog, we've had quite enough of the tragic kind for a long time.

I was on the tube the other night coming back from one of my numerous flat viewings. I was on the circle line heading to kings cross to make the transfer to the picadily line to head back up to andrea and dany's house... Then the most daper man i've seen in a very long time boarded the train. He was a page right out of a different time... he was immaculate, petite but so well groomed it was almost giggle-worthy. He had his hair cut in a short style with a light amount of styling cream to hold it in place without looking overstated. He wore a blue overcoat with suede lapels. A very large gold and silver rolex, a bespoke suit, a gold ring on his index finger with a few diamonds and Louis Vuitton loafers. I know that in writing this it sounds cliche which in it's own way it was but he carried it off with such an air or confidence and charm you couldnt' help but notice him. As the doors opened we arrived to the door at the same time and he halted and motioned for me to pass through before him. I did the mental tick box in my head in thinking... he doesn't just look the part, he acts it. He then floated a a great pace between all the commuters and then flounced up the staircase and out of sight. When I arrived to the next platform I had a few minutes to wait. What I didn't however notice, was the fact that he was right behind me. We boarded the next train and held the pole in the middle of the carriage as at that time of night the train was very crowded. It was so funny as I couldn't help but stare at him. He was such an interesting creature. I wanted to know his name his story and I cant' describe it but I just couldn't get over how old school English he looked. I'm sure he couldn't help but notice me processing him... So out I flick my ipod and in an attempt at subtle humour shuffled up 'this charming man' by the smiths. As I've got an ipod touch you can see the album cover and song name on the display. I'm almost certain he noticed it. Ha ha tube flirting!!

As the train pulled into my station I promised myself that if he got off the train at my stop I would ask him for a drink.... I got off, turned back to see if he too had gotten off, but alas he did not so my chance was lost... he wisked away along to wherever was his final destination.

I smiled all the way home...

One step closer

I found a flat finally... close to where I lived before... the places I saw where seriously sketchy... Pretty frightening as all of them were minimum 330 quid a week! So the location for work may not be the best but Sienna and I are going to attempt to commute either by bus or by scooter. I'm sussing out which scooter will be best. If we can do Scooter I imagine us getting there in close to the same time as if we rode a bike which sadly is still a bit too risky for my liking on London roads.

The anti-climax of the flat finding I'm hoping is good. I guess when you wait for something for so long sometimes when you get it there is more resignation rather than delight. I guess once we're in there and we make it ours it will be better!

Sienna's visa came through too and thank god for that as if it didn't I would be in one seriously dubious situation. So for once, the stars aligned.

My lunch meeting today with my recruiter was cancelled so I've got the day to myself! I'm hoping to pop by the art fair and see jo!

Two more weeks to wait till Sienna arrives. I'm gutted not to be with her on her 3rd birthday but what can you do??? We will celebrate as soon as she arrives!

I did actually arrive...

I do sort of feel like I was sucked into a vortex once I i did though. A wash of old memories of having arrived here all those years ago for the first time. It's been so difficult to be without Sienna but also quite good as there is no way on earth I would have been able to flat hunt with her. The market is not very friendly right now and even after pushing back my work start date by a week to try and allow time to view more places... still no joy.

However on the most positive note ever... they finally approved Sienna's settlement visa. I was really begining to worry they wouldn't issue it and then I would be in a nightmare situation. But yesterday they gave me the good news which lightens my heart immensely. So within the next week or so she will be here with me! Lilli not for a few more months yet but we're getting there slowly!

I don't know really how on earth I ended up back here. I was a quick decision made during a very stressful time. All will seem a bit more focused once I am back in a flat that is ours.

I'm mastering the fine art of patience.

kind of...

Waiting...

I'm sitting waiting at the departure lounge at the airport. It's a bittersweet departure as wee me and lilli are not with me. Sienna's visa did not arrive in time and thus she has to wait till it arrives and once it does my mum will bring her over to join me. The dog will have to wait a few months longer until all her paperwork is cleared. Starting again is an exceedingly expensive ordeal especially on your own... but still, I've worked my ass off these last few months to recover from what was left for me to sort out in BCN.

It's been a tough few months in a lot of way but it was made so much easier by being with my family and although not many of them live in Toronto, my friends from all over have been so amazingly supportive and kind. I'm kind of amazed how a series of wrong doings by one selfish person can result in such a long string of things to fix and re-build... but with everything in life, you can but carry on and make good of things that were once really bad. I'm there now. Wee me is there too although it's been even tougher for her as she doesn't understand why things are as they are and struggles to resolve quite just what to make of it all.

In about a week's time I'll be starting a new job in a new city and in a new flat (god willing). Amazing, scary and positive all at the same time. Everyone keeps telling me how strong and brave I am. I don't quite see it that way but I'm trying to believe that perhaps maybe I am and just can't see it??

The flight across from me is boarding to Varadero. Lucky peeps! My flight is full to the rafters of people setting off to hundreds of destinations. The airport is kind of a buzz with anticipation but mostly from the people who are soon to arrive to cuba, but i don't blame them!

NYC was amazing. Spending time with one of my favorite people was really fun and also relaxing. I don't think I quite factored how much it would hurt my heart to leave him at the end of the weekend but I guess that's normal with this big move on the radar for the next day. I got to see Yvonne and Benoit who are as fabulous as ever, and also my beautiful cousin David which was also a delight. We ate, visited the met and did a fair bit of walking around even though it was very chilly. Having a lay in every morning was just a ridiculous luxury. I'm one lucky girl. There is quite simply no doubt about it.

New beginnings are always so much easier in January...

funny that? well okay, yea maybe not. I'm so overrun with things to do in the next 24h I've no idea how I'm going to do it all! I honestly feel like a kid just before xmas... I've even got butterflies in my stomach. I'm sad to be finishing up with my current job but happy to be moving to new adventures and a fab new employer. I'm really hoping that my time in NYC with one of my favorite peeps is just what I need to unwind a bit before jetting off next Monday with wee me for our new chapter of life.

I'm also so happy that I get to see yvonne and benoit and my fabulous cousin David who all hail NYC as their current abodes. What to do while there other then eat and sleep and see some fab art? Shop? Nahh, me? never!

I'm really going to miss my mum who's been with me every day since all the fated events of last August. It's the most time I've spent with her since I was a child. I hope I can remember how to do my own laundry... oops, did I just admit that?

Okay sleep... must happen now or else the rest will be impossible.

Happy New Year everyone. It's quite simply got to be fabulous!

I'm no Social Media Expert

But my heart goes out to the poor Lalaloupsie Facebook content editor this xmas. The dolls are so well loved but may the greedy fuckers who bought 7 dolls for their kids sure are demanding. The packaging is a bitch but come on folks... you have kids... work it out. That's how things roll with kids toys. I really wonder how that poor person is managing who's dealing with the slew of people leaving comments... I left a wee pic of Sienna with hers for fun... my fun of course as I'm quite sure I'm more taken with the damn thing than she is but still... Anyway. hats off to you Lalaloupsie Facebook moderator, it's been a long day!

We had a lovely xmas. Sienna was well tired but I think still managed to have fun. It took the better part of 2h for her to settle for her nap today and then at bedtime it was another 2h until she finally passed out. It's all a bit much for her to process poor thing. She's still got 5 or 6 gifts unopened yet as she couldn't quite cope with opening them yet. So sweet.

Grandpa has astounded us all and pulled up his strength to spend our 'normal' xmas with us. He's such a fighter. Amazing that someone who's approaching a 100 years old is still fighting so hard to savor all he can with his family. We're truly honoured. Mum mentioned to me that he still sleeps cuddled up to my Grandmother every night. I had no idea. What an amazing love story... I can but aspire to such. I've got a lot to learn!

Off to bed now. I'm blissed out in the lovely scent of Coco Chanel. Mum bought me the amazing set for xmas with 5 mini bottles of Channel perfume. I'm loving it. It's the first time in my life I've been given perfume and man, was it worth the wait. Blessed and blissed. Happy Xmas everyone.


Sienna and the infamous Lalaloupsie... telling Isabella all about it.

If there was no more work to do for this certain employer ever again

it wouldn't be too soon :)

Someone got the I've worked more than humanly possible lately and can do no more syndrome? *raises hand* I'm doing my very best to finish this last project for them perfectly. A swan song... best not be a black swan!

Life admin tasks pile up and my room is a wash of legal documents and various other admin things that I've had to contend with in these pas few months. Thinking back, i'm not quite sure how i plowed through it all... It's not over yet. I'm still waiting for the Visa for wee me too arrive... and they have my passport too so it's a waiting game... they said it can take 12 weeks... i had less than 4 when I sent it in. So I guess it's up to the fates now. How much did it hurt to pay that fee for the damn visa? A lot! But hey... it's all part of the process.

I feel like I've forgotten to buy like a zillion xmas presents but you know what? Right now it's just too damn bad. The minute I close the lid on the laptop on xmas even afternoon I hope to be done with it for a good long time... ha who am I fooling?

Happy almost xmas everyone!

This year no one was screaming

but they do look quite serious.


Sienna, Charlotte & Isabella and the trusty Brampton Santa

Work is slowly easing off a bit which is good so I can actually maybe work normal hours and perhaps have the first weekend off in ages... it is xmas and all.

Am I finished my shopping? Lord knows. You get what you get folks and Karm... this year yours is subversive! The clerk didn't know what that meant. I giggled. I'm mean.

I know.... hey well i've paid it forward a bit with regards to karma so lets call it even shall we?

Just a little bit sad

It's been just a little bit sad as for the past year my grandfather has been quite ill and not really getting better... It's great that we're here to spend some time with him but I fear his time is nearly up. I mean he's nearly 92 so that's amazing. It's just hard to see people suffer as they get weaker and weaker and there isn't much you can do to keep their spirits up. So we've been doing daily visits to him and my Grandma to try and keep things jolly. Mum has been baking up a storm and we're carting the goods over to them to enjoy. It's really the strangest thing as you feel terrible that you can't do anything to make it better. Life can be one great challenge after another, learning how to balance the positive and keep focusing on the 'now' is key especially when a loved one is nearing departure.

We're doing our best how to figure it all out and stay strong. Hang on gramps! It's so very nearly xmas.

As the days before xmas tick by

I've been mostly busy working... no surprise there... and working A LOT on this monster project which will be my swan song with my current employer. I've accepted a new job and will be starting in January. Back to old blighty for me and wee me... that is if her settlement visa arrives in time. Ha there's my latest life stress to contend with. I wish I could say that we're swimming in air miles but alas we are not... those things only seem truly profitable for business travellers.

My gym visits have been sparce but there is still time yet to enjoy that wee luxury... We've done birthdays and xmas tree cutting... then shopping and more working and snow duties too. It's always nice to be home at xmas.

On an even more exciting front I'm soooooooo sooooooo lucky to snag a few days for a mini holiday in NYC in the new year. It was a last minute arrangement and it almost feels like a dream to be able to have a tiny bit of 'disconnect' from normal life for a few days with one of my favorite people in the whole world. I can't think of the last time I've been able to relax in a very long time. I am so very fortunate and greatful.

Quite the year... If I wrote all the details of what I've been through here, I'm sure you wouldn't even believe me. I'm wondering if that's too long a title for my novel that I should write?


Okay so it's not like the palm tree option but insert me here in early Jan!

As I write... xmasie weather is fluttering down

Unlike London, Toronto has been very tardy on the snow-front. Something I' m grateful for but today it's arrived and it's quite a calm but quiet flurry.

Working and interviewing for new jobs is very time consuming. I'm sometime not sure how to fit it all in. Then there is the small issue of xmas shopping to finish as well...

Perfect time for a xmas cough and cold. My body just wants to curl up and sleep it off. Sadly, not an option.

As time speeds up on one side I can't help but feel certain things in life suddenly feel even further away. This has got to be my biggest exercise in patience ever... okay, well for a long time. *deep breaths and lots of ahmmmmmmmmmmmms* miss millie would say

We did our best to try and captue one shot of all 3 girls with the great grandparents. It was however, not to be... this is as close as we got. But it was of course the girl's birthday party so there was way too much going on to convince them to stay still for more than 3 seconds.

The Lion is done...

Or so I'm telling myself. Sienna wants him to have a body but i'm not quite sure how to do it... so he's an artistic floating head....


off to the chaos that will be isabella and charlotte's join 1st and 3rd birthday party. Thankful am I that this side of the family offers alcohol :) I know i know...

Sorted!

I'm so happy to report that after a long and heart wrenching battle I've got full legally recognized custody of wee me! I'm sad for her father and the love that I once had for him. I'm sad that lies and deceit and desire for self satisfaction where so great that he let it overtake his life to the point where he had no option but to give up his part in the life of his own child. But also happy about better futures and more positive directions for both her and I. So yes, its' a bit bittersweet but we'll focus on the sweetness as we've had just about enough of the bitterness to last a lifetime.

I've been a busy beaver doing job interviews and laying out future plans and getting things sorted. It feels like spring so too bad it's winter... perhaps we should skip on over to Australia and enjoy their summer instead!?!?

So thank you lucky stars and powers that be as well as friend and family for getting me through these dark days.

I think I could quite possibly be at risk...

Of getting a sun burn through the window. After so many days of gray the sun has finally come out here and I'm soaking up some well needed vitamin D.

My ipod has been re-named to Lazarus as after some kind person in my gym left a present of a puddle of water in the ipod holder on the treadmill it got fizzled... but after some drying out near to the heat register, it came back to life! I'm all too pleased as I really would be very sad to not have it with me at the gym! And I really don't want to drop another 250 bucks for a new one right just now!

I actually had to write a letter to the tax office here requesting to pay taxes... It felt against the law of nature to do so but, required... but after you've been away for a while your tax number becomes inactive. Bank account re-opened and I think nearly ready to acutally invoice for all the work I've been doing. Slowly and surely I'm getting back closer to even after all the expenses that i've had to absorb lately. Secretly I'm convincing myself that I"ll have a big fat 'tropical holiday fund' sorted... a girl can dream can't she?

Dreaming is good, and damn it when my next holiday does become a reality i'll know that i've damn well earned it triple-fold!

(insert me here please)

Thank you courts...

For accepting my petition!!! I'm so pleased that I'm one step closer to fully recognized legal custody and to drawing a line under this dark chapter. Better and brighter things ahead!

Now if I could only get my focus back and plow through all this work that is piling up.

My sister's little Charlotte turned one yesterday. What a tough first year she had... but she's a strong little fighter and as healthy as ever now. She's so cute, even more so now that she's walking.

Not long now until the snow arrives. My winter coat search is still fruitless so in the interim I picked up a cheapie one which I'm sure I'll just end up keeping forever and ever... better than being cold!!!!!

Anyone with any doubts...

even in the slightest about having a child with someone or getting married should seriously spend a few hours down at the local court house. Honestly, the service that I've had from my local court is fantastic but the harsh reality of everyone's situations that are there is really shocking. The family court section has a very good lesson to offer to people in the reality of the consequence of it all when it doesn't go right. Not that you can live your whole life in fear of 'what if this all goes wrong' but It's a good reality check as to if you're not certain about it then to really seriously think it through as when it all goes wrong, it's a long an complicated process both administratively, financially and emotionally. It's been difficult for me but I can't imagine how much worse it is for a lot of the people whom I saw dealing with much more complicated situations ...

Pink Lion Painting

Status update... making progress... hopefully in the right direction

Entry 976

Wow we're nearly at 1000 blog entries. It's been many many years since I've started writing. I don't know if I'm stubborn or actually enjoy keeping up this blog. There aren't too many folks out that who've been at it for so long. I'm far from being the most archaic but still it's been a long time folks.

We've been spared large snowfalls as of yet here in Canadialadia. I'm still of course missing Barcelona with every fibre of my being but I'm banking on the feeling dissipating. Finding a winter jacket to buy that is a simple long black coat would be a nice thing... however proving to be ever-elusive. Surely it's not that big of a brief!!!

Minor achievement but I've managed to nearly finish all my 5 induction classes at my new gym. Of course it's all geared up for the hard sell of personal training and nutritional consulting but sadly after having your savings or lack there of used in many various ways without my consent and moving your life across the Atlantic, it's not hard to imagine not having money for such things... But i'm happy to be able to enjoy the spirit and mind lifting benefits of gym induced endorphins.

On the other hand I'm dreaming of sandy beaches and tranquility... a reward to look forward too after all this transition and hard work. For now I would just settle for a nice glass of 'real' red wine over a delicious meal with some good company. The latter however more achievable it may seem is still a few good weeks away yet... Time... I'm kicking your ass and getting closer.

Taking responsibility

This simple... or what one would think was a simple concept is one that has really been on my radar in the last few months. I guess it all started when the reality of my bad personal situation came to light... I was sitting in a lawyer's office desperately trying to get a hold of what was going on and how I could stop the slow moving train wreck that my life seemed to be turning into. As I explained to her the situation and certain party's actions and what my options where to protect myself from them and to also understand what sort of consequence one would face for what they had done to me. In short the lawyer who was as tough as nails with a dryer humour than a gaggle of brits said to me flat out. "Darling... the state is not responsible for your bad choices. It's your responsibility in life to chose a partner who is not going to do these sorts of things to you." I must say I was quite dumbfounded. I couldn't understand how in Spain, that in the eyes of the law the simple fact that I knew who the person who did this flagrantly dishonorable and illegal thing, was simply not accountable for it. It was harsh. But true. Only you can be responsible for your own life and the choices (good and bad) that you make. If you chose to surround yourself with bad people or people who do a damn good job of pretending that they are then it's your deal. This was a bitter pill to swallow but I get it. I'm really the last person in the queue of people winging about 'life owning them something' so yea it makes sense... I may not like it but it makes sense. And so yes, It's a bit baffling but I agree... I didn't make certain bad things happen but the choices that I made leading up to it allowed it to, so for that I am responsible.

Being back in Canada things couldn't be more opposite. This country has a culture of no fault insurance... and Americanized 'I can just sue' if something goes wrong attitued. You slip and fall in the mall (wearing sky high heels for example) it's the mall's fault and responsibility. You're not attending school because you're busy selling drugs... again not your problem as the whole educational system is set up to forgive and forget. And on that note, the school system will actually in a sideways' way blame the student's failings to turn up to class to get an education as the fault of the school system having let you make bad choices... nowhere in the process does the person whom is making these bad choices or their parents (if they're minors) ever have to take responsibility for them. There is always an out and always someone else to blame. I mean even the gym I joined for 2 months told to me that I need to do a 5 session induction (for insurance purposes) because as they explained to me... "it would be terrible for them to let me loose in the gym without knowing the intricate details of how everything worked as I could hurt myself". I mean, okay yes I see the value in safety absolutely but it's just the way that people explain it and understand it and even worse accept this! And apparently if anything does (god forbid) happen to me while there I'm actually still not responsible... it would be the gym. But it would be okay as you know what? Their insurance would cover it! I don't get it... I mean if I'm working out in stilleto's and I fall off the treadmill it's not my fault? (i'm going for humour here folks)... You bet your bottom dollar that the week following they would be erecting a 'no stillies' please' sign above every treadmill in the club!

What sort of world are we living in? I'm sure it's just a bit of culture shock paired up with my relentless mission to get things sorted through in my mind and get my heart and soul back into business and understand a bit better just what it is in my life that seems to be the matter with me, in that I seem to be making very clear mistakes in my personal life and missing the warning signs five miles off... One thing is certain however, and that is when I figure it out. I won't be blaming anyone for it other than myself.

But it's not all bad you see... I remember that one of the big important lessons in life my mother taught me. She told me that life was not easy but for the most part it's damn hard. For the longest time I accepted this as reality and trudged along and sucked it up as 'reality' and just took it and took it. It's only now after recent events when I was speaking to my mum about it that she mentioned one pivotal thing to add onto the life is tough concept... that life is tough but it doesn't mean that when it's tough you sit back and take it until it nearly takes you. You can fight against it so it's not so tough and not so bad. This is so simple but clearly a key thing that I was clearly not processing. D'oh. Mum's logic is only valid when you apply the entire principle in full and not just one part of it. Progress yes, life moving forwards? Yes! Job hunting looking really positive? Yes. Accepting that life is hard (and of course could be a hell of a lot harder) but I'm never going to let myself concede defeat. Hardship is not something to accept... it's an indicator to the fact (5 miles off maybe) that something is not right and it's time to fix it. I'm buying a tool belt because damn it; I've got some life and mind fixing to continue along with and I'm going to need them! Now if I could only read the damn instructions... the set i have are in Japanese!

Leaving a city that you're not yet ready to leave

Is really a lot more difficult that I could have ever imagined... Beautiful Mark U wrote an update on his FB account this week that sort of captured my sentiment about bcn... but he's waxing about Montreal...

"Montreal is that hot f'cked-up chick who says she loves you but is still sleeping with her ex. You leave, but you miss her. You go back, you loathe yourself."

Barcelona is kind of like that with me as from a distance I can clearly see how not just my ridiculously complicated life (for personal reasons of course) but also the way things are there as a whole... the gigantic chasm of apathy that sucks even the most productive pro-active person into no matter how hard they fight it. For me it's a city of great beauty but of also great hardship.

I find it funny as a lot of local people can't fathom why anyone who wasn't from there would want to live there... It seems like a no-brainer but in the end you know what I can see a bit more of their logic now. My mum asked me once... just what it was about Barcelona that was so damn good that caused me to flagrantly overlook the bad... I could not for the life of me answer the question. Was it the horrible tiny expensive flat I lived in? Was it the job that had me working like a zombie? Was it the massive crime rate? Just what was it about this mythical 'quality of life' reason that had any substance to it? I still remain perplexed but yet my heart yearns to be back there but perhaps it's really more my spirit.

I used to joke with people that there are only 3 reasons people end up living in Barecelona:

1) To run away from something... broken heart, broken career... something that didn't work and you don't want to face.

2) Because you fell in love - this again is a very valid one as there are many linked hearts in bcn fueled by summer romances or romantic chance touristic meetings. The pull is strong and the backdrop so damn romantic you can't help but fall without heeding to logic.

4) Because your work transferred you there... this is the category that has the most potential as it means there is financial backing and that there is probably a good logical reason. This is essential for survival... but all too quickly people that fall into this category seem to reveal that there was perhaps a few elements of the first two points to factor in as well...

Life is certainly not easy in Barcelona. Mind you, if you have the luck to have a partner who actually has a job as well and you both pull in more than the mythical mile euros al mes... then you may just have a shot at floating if not even prospering in the cuidad comtal.

My greatest sadness is that I never had that chance to enjoy it that way. I cut off way more than i could chew on the personal side and ended up supporting a certain individual for more than 5 years... that my friends was my error. But all things said... I lived, I learned Spanish... I had an amazing little girl and damn it for the first and hopefully not last time in my life I lived by the beautiful sea.

So Barcelona, I miss you, and yes I feel I was a bit chewed up and spit out by you, but I am not alone.... So all you new venturers who brave the challenge good luck. I'll most certainly not be a stranger to the fair city by the sea... but for the foreseeable future, just as a guest.